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In Defense of (Some) Sex Offenders
This entry was posted on 9/25/2009 11:17 AM and is filed under uncategorized.
I'm a little late jumping on the bandwagon for this topic (well, relatively speaking, anyway - I'm "late" by Internet standards), but I thought it was worth posting, since it keeps popping up on other blogs I read.
Blog entries like this make me literally want to vomit. Not because of the writing - I enjoy reading Rogier Van Bakel's writing, and I tend to agree with him the vast majority of the time; now is one of those times.
The fact that we're bothering to criminalize teenagers having sex (including oral sex) speaks volumes about where we are as a society. Not only are we unwilling to tolerate something which was until recently seen as "natural" - i.e., it happens to virtually everyone (and those who say they never felt sexual urges and/or confusion when they were younger, with rare exception, are full of shit), we can't be bothered to deal with it ourselves.
Now I will be the first to admit that I am not speaking from experience. I don't have any teenage children, so I have no direct experience with having to deal with this. However, I do know that I was a teenager at one point; all adults were. When I was younger and full of raging hormones, I wanted to have sex just as badly as these kids did - well, not "badly" in the sense that they were bad at it (as fumbling, awkward people are), but "badly" in the sense that I wanted it so much that if anyone had given me the opportunity I would have leapt at it. And if I'd gotten caught, I would have expected my parents to be angry with me, just as these kids' parents are undoubtedly angry with them. What I would not have expected (because my parents happened to be - and still are - rational people) would be to get in legal trouble for it. What the hell happened?
To me this reeks of two things: First, of the obvious point that has been made: That having laws on the books which can and do prosecute kids for doing something which virtually everyone wants to do at that age is asinine at best, and dangerous and insane at worst. What kind of society feels the need to go to this length to harass kids? And make no mistake, that's exactly what this is - harassment by a government which tells them that if they're underage, they can't legally make the decision to have sex, but will still prosecute them for a "crime" which it explicitly tells them they are unable to make a decision to engage in. We have special clauses for people who are unable to be held accountable for their actions - people who are clinically insane, in an altered (usually chemically-altered) state of consciousness, people who are developmentally disabled, etc. - because by legal definition they are unable to understand their actions well enough to make an informed decision about them; yet somehow teenagers are legally unable to make the decision, but legally able to face the consequences? We're applying a double-standard here.
Second, and to me equally important: What the hell is wrong with these kids' parents? At what point do you decide to not only give up on the parenting process, but to turn over to the government one of the most personal issues in anyone's life? If your partner did something unexpected in the bedroom - not illegal, mind you, just unexpected; physical injury and non-consenting sex are very much a different topic - would you turn them over to the cops? If your partner wanted to do something that you thought was gross (whether it be water sports, coprophagia, B&D, S&M, threesomes, voyeurism, the good old-fashioned money shot, or anything else that might strike you as gross), or if you did something that you later regretted or thought of as "gross," would you call the police? Would you get them involved in your sex life? Do you care so little about your kids' privacy that you're willing to expose them to public scrutiny because you either want to "teach them a lesson" (and what a fucked-up "lesson" that is) or because you just can't be bothered to do your fucking job as a parent?
And what about the consequences of police involvement in these cases? Do you really hate your children so much that you're willing to have them branded as a "sex offender" for the rest of their lives? Because you can't be bothered to teach them about sex you're willing to force them to register as a "pervert" (and you know they're going to get referred to as such, because not everyone is willing to listen to the background before making that call) for the rest of their lives? What kind of fucked-up, backward-ass set of values do you have? And if that's the way you approach raising kids, wouldn't they be better off living with someone else in the first place? Doesn't ruining your kid's life doesn't fall under the category of abuse, or at the very least, neglect?
And yes, I realize that not all of these are as simple as two 14-year-olds who got caught fumbling around in the backseat. Some of them are adults and "kids," although I use that term loosely as they're close enough in age that they fall under "Romeo and Juliet" laws in the states that have them. However, the principle remains the same: You're ruining someone's life for an innocent mistake. If people were to be held accountable for every "mistake" we made when we were kids, there'd be nobody left who wasn't in jail. Sometimes you've got to let things slide.
This is another example of why I detest this country's attitude toward sex and sex education. No, I don't think we should be teaching kindergarteners about condoms, or 6-year-olds about STDs; but at some point you have to realize that their bodies' natural development is going to take over and you need to be prepared to deal with that head-on. Not only will you be a better person for talking honestly with your kids about something which happens to everyone (physical development), you'll also be equipping them to better deal with things like this when they occur. And if you talk to your kids - actually talk to them, like you're supposed to - then maybe, just maybe - you'll build a better relationship with them, and make them feel like they can trust you and talk to you about difficult and important matters. You never know until you try.
(Further references here, here, and here.)
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